10. Bobaflex

Bobaflex is a band that looks like shit, the kind of slovenly bile that would get laughed at by extras from Rob Zombie movies. Their super fucking clever name, an homage to both Boba Fett and Bowflex, seems to suggest a hardline interest in self-improvement and might even be intimating that if you conjured in your head the ghoulish image of Boba Fett actually using a bowflex you could begin to understand the amazing heap of steaming dung you’d hear if you went to your local Sam Goody and bothered buying this CD. Listening to Bobaflex through the apocalypse is kind of a win-win. On one hand you can take umbrage in the idea of dying and leaving this cruel, gross world, on the other, you can imagine saving the bullets and letting outer-space cancel your life free-of-cost.
Choice Cut:

9. Zac Brown Band

I can only halfway disparage Zac Brown. I’ve spent some time with his music that didn’t entirely suck, but most of it was spent sober. The country crowd loves him, which is perplexing. Dude talks about ganj a LOT. Zac Brown seems like the kind of guy who would lie about how many drinks he’s had just to seem like he has a really “unbelievable tolerance”, and also like the type-a-fella who’d talk about how he “bombed up” the toilet at your parents’ house when you were home for Christmas and hadn’t even seen him in years. Parrotheads move over, there’s a new group of fuckwits in town, and they’re called Brownheads. In all seriousness, though, Zac Brown ate all the chicken nuggets.

8. 311

Read these lyrics in Ben Stein’s voice:

Brainstorm, take me away from the norm
I got to tell you something
This phenomenon, I had to put it in a song
And it goes like

Chorus:
Whoa, amber is the color of your energy
Whoa, shades of gold displayed naturally

You ought to know what brings me here
You glide through my head blind to fear
And I know why

(Chorus 2x)

You live too far away
Your voice rings like a bell anyway

With lyrics like these it is an absolute imperative that you come original.

7. Wicked Wisdom

In some eerie, uncharacteristic-of-Hollywood oversight it is hardly ever talked about that Jada Pinkett Smith is in a Nü-Metal band. On a holistic level I’d really be able to get behind this band circa Mesoamerican apocalypse. If there were a Wicked Wisdom concert going on you can be almost assured that Will Smith wouldn’t go, which means he’d be doing one of two other things: bugging Uncle Phil or trying to save the world from abject annihilation. Seeing this band in concert would be a fucking drag because you’d get jealous of Jada’s spiked leather choker and hoodie and secretly wish to god that you, too, could be suffocating in comfort.

6. Papa Roach

Already so fucking ready to die that you wouldn’t even have to pay to see them.

5. The Doors

If there were Jim Morrison solo records I’d choose them instead. “Death and my cock are the world” is a thing Jim Morrison once said. It’d please me greatly to see his choking on one result in the other. ‘Poems’ about mortality and sex that so flatulently ape the Greeks that they come out seeming positively Cyprian(!) enmesh so perfectly with wailing organs that I actually (sincerely, this time) do believe it is “The End”. Apocalypse 12/21/12. So… later.

4. Paula Cole

This entire entry is dedicated to “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?”, a song so bewilderingly confused by its own feminism that it fully swallows and digests itself. Paula, get a fucking hold of yourself. You’re effusively piteous for this entire song until the part where you go, “Yippie Yiiiii, Yipppie Yayyy, Yippie Yiii, Yippeee Yay Yay… Yay Yay”, and by that point we’re all completely convinced that you’re a petulant wang. What do you honestly think John Wayne would’ve done if he’d had the misfortune of accidentally marrying you? Paula, get a job and then find yourself a nice babysitter. Also, get a dishwasher. When you want a beer, go get one from the fridge. That is where John keeps them. They are hiring announcers at the rodeo; you can solve two very big issues at once. Mad prairie sons down at the rodeo.

3. Cee-Lo

Everything you do gives me an intellectual STD.

If you wanna know what I’m referring to just Google him. I can’t even choose one.

2. Ke$ha

After what I said about Cee-Lo, KE-Dollar Sign-HA losing out should give you an idea of how I feel about her. Ke$ha seems like the kind of girl who would borrow friends’ underwear without asking.






Without further ado:

1. Enya